Jeepers Creepers, It's The Grim Reaper

Laugh or die

Grim Reaper during his stadium comedy tour 7000 BC

Thousands of years before the bible was written, lived a jester who was forgotten to history. He had a remarkable ability to tell jokes in any language. His name was Reaper. Those who didn’t laugh at his jokes were quickly hacked to death by his scythe. Hence, it’s where the expression “I killed” came about. Now it’s a most common phrase used by comedians, though the meaning has diametrically changed. He quickly became known as the “World’s Most Dangerous Comedian.” Fans took their lives into their own hands attending his shows as if they knew what a TikTok challenge was.

Reaper performed for the Sumerians, Greek gods, Persian Kings, Chinese emperors, Mayan rulers and more. His most well-known gig was in Atlantis, playing to over 10,000 people in attendance. No one laughed, nor cracked a smile. His temper this time was uncontrollable; at its zenith. In a violent rage he blew up the entire island. Hence the origination of the other term “I bombed.” Reaper apologized to the Minoan king, though personally he felt it wasn’t his fault for having a bad temper. If they only laughed, these money paying patrons would have lived to see another day.

As the years went by, Reaper’s reputation for death was recognized by God, who was laser focused running the universe. Keeping order was a 24/7 job for the last 14 billion years and for the foreseeable 14 billion years. One day, God summoned Reaper to be in his employ. Reaper negotiated an eternal contract including a forever supply of black robes with hood (for anonymity) and a scythe that wouldn’t rust. The contract also stated God would must inform Reaper exactly when each person’s time on earth was up so he wouldn’t be late. Reaper’s job was relatively easy: arrive wearing his outfit, tell a joke, or if there was a lack of time, say the name Adam Sandler. Either way, the results were instantaneous death. Their souls immediately rise from the just deceased body straight up to heaven. His jokes were bad enough, but hearing Sandler’s name resulted in an indescribable way to die. Hence “Grim” being added to the name Reaper.

After thousands of years, Grim began to feel restless with his mundane job responsibilities: show up. Die. Repeat. He did appreciate God giving him eternal employment, but after thousands of years, he felt his job was meaningless, nor felt any sense of satisfaction. It was just a job.

Grim’s girlfriend was becoming seriously impatient, threatening to leave him if he didn’t get a raise or promotion. Grim attempted to explain to her that there was only one other job above him and it belonged to the Devil. And no one fucks with him. What she didn’t understand—even though Grim always had a bad temper—the Devil was even more hot headed. Grim knew not to get on his bad side.

Grim decided to get in touch with God’s secretary, Angel Bernice, so he could put in a request for time off. He was a devoted employee who never took a sick day, let along a mental health day. Grim was a meticulous record keeper. His math showed he accumulated over 750,000 sick days, 48,000 personal days and at least 8 centuries of vacation time. Bernice claimed God’s schedule was booked up for another 10,000 years, but she promised to keep him on the cancellation list. Grim walked out, feeling helpless. He could sense his girlfriend’s wrath awaiting him as he’d inform her of the news. He knew if he couldn’t make these changes for her, she wouldn’t accompany him to Comic-Con again.

Grim was fast becoming severely depressed. Counseling was out of the question. Last time he sat down with his analyst, he was told “What can I do, Grim? What do you expect? You’re dead! We’re all dead. It’s a dead end job. I’m dead serious.” Grim threatened him with his scythe, but his analyst laughed. “Go ahead. Have your fun. What are you going to do, make me deader?” Grim walked out with his head down, disorientated, feeling confused and insecure.

After Grim revealed Angel’s news to his girlfriend, she suggested Grim send God a letter of resignation effective immediately, which Grim contemplated for as long as one-second. The letter was sent off two-seconds later. Now the wait.

The wait lasted three-seconds when God appeared in a panic. Sweat dripping from his brow staining his white robe, sounding panicky.

“Why Grim? Why?”

“There’s no job satisfaction!”

“But only you can do what you are doing. I’m, I’m the nice guy.”

“I’m done!” said Grim with determination.

“Where do you expect me to find a replacement on such short notice?”

“LinkedIn.”

“They’ll just laugh if I put out a want ad.”

“Why can’t the Devil do it?”

“He’s yin, I’m yang. Plus, union rules forbid it.”

“I’m sorry. I need to experience new adventures.”

“You’re dead. What are you going to do? Your bucket list ended on earth.”

“It’s my girlfriend. If I don’t find a new job, new pay, new benefits, she will leave me.”

“Women! Now you know why I’ve been single for what feels like an eternity. Will you stay on until I find a replacement?”

“Ok.”

“May I ask? What do you think you’ll do when you leave?”

“I figure, while I’m getting resumes out, I’d like to write my autobiography. I have a big following on social media you know.”

“Oh, c’mon! You’ll never be able to do book signings and talk show appearances. One look at you and they’ll all run for the hills!”

“Zoom?”

“Ha! They’ll never believe it’s you. They’ll scream it’s AI. Do they even believe you’re real at Comic-Con?”

Grim shook his head “no.”

“Welcome back, Grim!” God says with a gigantic grin and patting him on the back.

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know how I will be able to break this to my girlfriend?”

“Don’t worry! I’ll handle it for you,” reassured God.

The next day, God summoned Grim informing him his girlfriend would no longer be a problem.

“What did you say to her?”

“Nothing. She’s decided to dump you. We’re a couple now!” God says with a beaming smile.

Grim stood there stone faced, contemplating this unexpected and sudden turn of events, then said, “It’s a good thing I never threw out my little black book!”

“That’s more like it!” God said cheerily.

“Oh, there’s one thing you should know.”

“What’s that?”

“She’s jewish.”

“Funny you should mention that! So am I!”

THE END

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