My Interview with Benjamin Franklin

The second of my historical Ouija board interviews with the Founding Fathers of our country. Here's the unedited conversation I had with Benjamin Franklin. Believe it or not.

Me: Mr. Franklin, I want to thank you for taking the time to speak with me via Ouija board.

Franklin: This is a first for me.

Me: I’m glad. How are you?

Franklin: As high as a kite.

Me: Talking about kites…Is there any electricity up there?

Franklin: Only around Marilyn Monroe. Hubba Hubba.

Me: How does it feel to have your image on the one hundred dollar bill?

Franklin: Of course it’s an honor. It beats being on the one dollar bill like Washington.

Me: Yeah, but he’s also on Mount Rushmore.

Franklin: To tell you the truth, he’s not happy about it.

Me: Really? Why not?

Franklin: He says there’s an eagles nest in his left ear. It makes it look like hair’s growing out of it. He’s embarrassed.

Me: I’ve never noticed.

Franklin: I taunt him all the time. He’s got a thin skin.

Me: I’m surprised, because during my recent interview with him, he showed an enormous sense of humor.

Franklin: You saw the public side of him. If you really knew him you’d say he was a cantankerous son-of-a-bitch.

Me: Can’t be! He’s beloved by everyone. We know him as the “Father of our county.”

Franklin: If anyone should be the “Father of our country,” it’s me!

Me: How’s that?

Franklin: I have more bastard children than DMX and Nick Cannon combined (he laughs and coughs). I actually lost count.

Me: Well, your womanizing is well known.

Franklin: Is that what they call it now?

Me: Yes.

Franklin: Back in my day we didn’t need that blue pill you call Viagra.

Me: No one had ED back then?

Franklin: Look. We didn’t have porn. Just one look at a naked woman in my time could bring the dead back to life. Except if you’re up here.

Me: Do you still write Poor Richard’s Almanac?

Franklin: Are you kidding? There’s no printing presses up here let alone a quill and ink.

Me: That’s too bad.

Franklin: Yeah, they’re cheap up here. I’m going to have to talk to the manager.

Me: Would that manager be known as God?

Franklin: Yes.

Me: He would hear you out?

Franklin: As long as my name’s not Karen.

Me: Did they have another name for a Karen in your time?

Franklin: Minuteman.

Me: I see you still have that old revolutionary spirit.

Franklin: I never tire of it.

Me: Is there anything you’d like to tell my readers before you go?

Franklin: Yes. Thank you. I’d like to tell your readers down there…A penny saved is a penny earned.

Me: We’ve heard that before.

Franklin: Fart for freedom, fart for liberty—and fart proudly. He that lives upon hope will die farting.

Me: We’ve heard that before too!

Franklin: What can I say? I’m also one of the Founding Farters.

Me: Can we hear some new wisdom gained from looking down upon us?

Franklin: Ok. (Exasperated). There once was a man from Nantucket….

Me: And that’s all the time we have!

Franklin:...who kept all his cash in a bucket…

Me: Goodnight!

Franklin: This is censorship!

Me: Thank you, Mr. Franklin!

Franklin: You Tory!

THE END

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