My Interview with Bigfoot

My interview with Sasquatch a.k.a Bigfoot took place this spring in the Pacific Northwest in an undisclosed location due to concerns over his privacy

Me: “Welcome Bigfoot. Thank you for this opportunity.”

Bigfoot: “You’re welcome. Just to let you know, it’s humans who call me Sasquatch or Bigfoot. I’d prefer you use my real name.”

Me: “What is it?”

Bigfoot: “Ralph.”

Bigfoot: “OK Ralph it is!”

Me: “Are there many more of your kind here?”

Bigfoot: “Oh, yeah. They’re ready to pounce and rip you to shreds if this interview doesn’t show me in a good light. When will it be published?”

Me: “In two months. So what you’re telling me is your kind can read?”

Bigfoot: “Thanks to the Evelyn Wood Speed Reading Course.”

Me: “Come again?”

Bigfoot: “You see, we chased a hiker and snagged it after he threw her book at us. Best chase ever. It’s too bad we didn’t have cell phones back then. That would have been fun to watch again. You should have seen the fear on his face. He shat in his pants (Laughs). We didn’t’ know humans do that in the woods.”

Me: “You all use cell phones?”

Bigfoot: “Sure. We also snagged those from hikers. You should subscribe to our TikTok channel. We have some great content.”

Me: “I’ll make it a point. So tell me, do you live in caves?”

Bigfoot: “We have an underground city that’s under tight security 24/7. I’m sorry I can’t allow you in. Humans are known to ruin a good thing like you did when you decided to toast freshly baked bagels. A shanda!”

Me: “You speak Yiddish too?”

Bigfoot: “We used to spend our summers in the Catskills. I could go for a good knish. Can’t find any kosher food around these parts.”

Me: “You can always order from Katz’s Deli in New York City. They deliver anywhere.”

Bigfoot: (Growls) “You’re not lying are you?”

Me: “Look it up on your phone.”

“Bigfoot: “I will if I can get good reception. It’s so hard out here in the forest! Personally, I hate T Mobile (his stomach grumbles). Now I have a craving for pastrami and corned beef on rye.”

Me: “My favorite!”

Bigfoot: “I like you.”

Me: “I’m glad. Now back to the interview: in this cool and damp environment, do you get cold being naked all the time?”

Bigfoot: “Why do you think we have all this hair? Psst! I’ll let you in on a little secret: Robin Williams was one of us.”

Me: “Is it easy to differentiate between male and female of your species?”

Bigfoot: “Unlike humans, males here have the boobs. Us males have the best of both worlds!” (He laughs).

Me: “Does this mean the male breastfeeds the infant?”

Bigfoot: “Yes. It’s a pain in the ass. You can’t get anything done. The baby holds onto the males with its teeth imbedded in the nipple until it learns how to hold on to the father with its hands. We suffer like this for months! By the time this process is done, our boobs are stretched down to our knees, so as we walk, our boobs get kicked up slapping us in the face. You know anyone who does breast reduction surgery?”

Me: “Sorry, I don’t. You’d need insurance.”

Bigfoot: “I never thought about that.”

Me: “What’s your average day like?”

Bigfoot: “Aside from scaring humans…if we’re not procreating, we masturbating pretty much all the time. I mean, c’mon—once we found Pornhub on your cell phones there’s no stopping us.”

Me: “Would your community like to continue being anonymous?”

Bigfoot: “We thought about it but decided to live our lives in our natural environment. Personally, I would love to be on America’s Got Talent. I do a great impression of Elvis. Wanna see it?”

Me: “Since this will be a print interview, readers wouldn’t believe it.”

Bigfoot: (Sounding like Marlon Brando): “I could have been a contender!”

Me: “What does your diet consist of?”

Bigfoot: “Mostly berries, nuts and the occasional human.”

Me: “Humans? Really?”

Bigfoot: “I’m kidding. Take a deep breath.”

Me: “Phew!

Bigfoot: “I don’t eat humans. But Murray has. You’re lucky I didn’t tell him about this interview. You would have been devoured, digested and feces by now.”

Me: “I appreciate you keeping him out of the loop.”

Bigfoot: “I’m kidding! It’s my nature!”

Me: (Nervous laugh): “Well, Ralph. Our time’s up. It was great meeting you and I thank you for your time.”

Bigfoot: “Do you have a cell phone?”

Me: “Yeah, why?”

Bigfoot: “Start running!”

The End

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