The Shiksa Experiment

A Semi-Autobiographical Story About Mixing Dairy and Meat

Allan Kaminsky began his NYU education as junior, in the fall of 1980, after transferring from a local community college. As community college is known in the ‘burbs, 13th grade. He thought he had a cinematic mind, taking film courses, hoping to become the new Steven Spielberg, though with the best, and softest casting couch in his trailer to bed up and coming starlets. He may not have been very cinematic, but he did have a fertile imagination, much like every young adult attending college who was bent on drinking and partying.

Allan was a reformed Jew. No, not re-formed like playing with a piece of Play-Doh. He never dated anyone outside of his religion. The closest was a conservative Jew, but when you’re reformed, anything else in Judaism feels like another religion. His dad advised him that “College was the time to experiment. Taste forbidden fruit.” At first, he was sure his dad meant pork, but he convinced himself it was a sly way of insinuating it was OK to date a shiksa (female non-Jew.) For Allan, that definitely was the ultimate forbidden fruit. So Allan’s goal from the first day in his dormitory was to bed a shiksa. He was rife with anxiety over this possibility. Could she relate to things, like not eating pizza with milk? Could he explain his bris is a tradition as well as for health reasons without having her guffaw? And most importantly, would she have sex with him? Sure, technically this wasn’t kosher to his parents who read him the edict from day one: “Marry a nice Jewish girl!” What Jewish boy or girl doesn’t hear this from their parents? His sister received the extra added cliched bonus of “And make sure you find a nice doctor or lawyer.” To Allan, that always sounded like a two-for-the-price of one deal. But, if he was going to do something “un-kosher” like this, he felt it shouldn’t really be a big deal—because if his parents could eat shellfish and pork ribs at Mings Chinese Dynasty on Sunday nights, he was sure he could eat something deemed “un-kosher” too! Eventually, if he did admit to his parents he was dating a shiksa, he’d say something clever like “Don’t worry—she’s converting” to satisfy their worries. Jewish parents let their guard down when they hear that. For Allan, it would still be difficult and extremely uncomfortable to bring her home. It was hard for him to communicate intimately with his parents, except for the time he mustered up the courage to admit his hatred for chopped liver and Tantala’s (Yiddish for aunt) long hard kisses on his cheek which felt like an octopus grabbed ahold and wouldn’t let go. Every time she kissed him, it depleted his cheek of blood for a good ten-minutes. In fact, he still has circular marks on his cheek, like a scar from a long ago deep sea battle with Ursula in the “Little Mermaid.”

1980 was during the middle of the still ongoing unique period in the ever changing social norms, referred to as “sex, drugs and rock ’n roll” when Allan attended NYU. It was easy to score within the first month of moving into his dorm. His first girlfriend wasn’t a shiksa. She was a nice, extremely funny Jewish girl from Long Island. She was good looking, intelligent, had a killer body, but bi-polar. Sort of like a mash-up between Joan Rivers and Jonathan Winters. She exhausted him. He couldn’t keep up. Not only with her personalities, but in bed. Scoring with someone bi-polar was like having a menage a trois—which explained his lack of endurance. He felt he needed more practice to build up to this, like a marathoner starting out doing 5K races, building up to running through all the boroughs. You can’t do the NYC Marathon just after learning to walk. His friends advised him to stay away from her, fearing he’d get on her wrong side and might possibly snap. Unfortunately, with her being bi-polar, it made figuring out which side was wrong, nearly impossible. Eventually, she lost interest in Allan. Which he was fine with. He was still hoping and attempting to meet a nice shiksa and have sex. Normal sex. Just two people this time. Maybe, if things go right between them, bring her home to meet mom and dad who would welcome her with open arms and freshly baked bagels. He knew they’d never allow her to drink milk with meat in the house, even though they really didn’t keep kosher. It was just part of their DNA. He did get into theoretical arguments with his parents, “If I can eat a burger with a chocolate malted milkshake, the she should be allowed to eat pizza with milk!” That nearly made dad throw up. But, after Allan explained that the “cheese is made from milk” dad did give a half-hearted exception to that thought, though with an airplane puke bag at the ready. How he had an airplane puke bag still baffled Allan to this day. His parents never flew, never knew anyone who did either. Best that came to mind, maybe dad was D.B. Cooper?

About one-month later, Allan was indulging in the usual daily activities of a college dorm, drinking beer, partying when he met a gorgeous gal he hasn’t come across. There was nothing familiar about her, except that fact she was female with long dark hair parted down the middle, wore bell bottom jeans, braless under a t-shirt emblazoned with NYU on the front as well as a tiny cross dangling from her neck chain, which he immediately zeroed in on. “Ahhh! A shiksa!” he said to himself. After a few goofy moments of trying hide his drunkenness, he introduced himself remarkably without embarrassment. She revealed her name: Kathy! A nice shiksa name too. Man were the wheels spinning in his mind! Well, everything was spinning, mainly due to the six-pack he devoured, which was well into taking effect. She was slender and easily downed a few beers, much to his amazement. Alcohol didn’t seem to phase her. “Maybe she was Irish?” he thought. At this moment he didn’t care. All he knew was she was sweet, nice, good looking and not wearing a bra. One less level of clothes to remove was all he could imagine. They talked a bit and made plans to go out the next night. He was praying he wouldn’t forget her name when he woke up the next morning; that this wasn’t all a drunken dream.

He woke up with a hangover, still in his clothes from day before. In his rear pants pocket was a small piece of paper with Kathy’s name, dorm room and phone number in her handwriting! He smiled, then puked violently into the garbage pail next to his bed. Accidentally, he wiped his mouth with her note. Luckily, after wiping the note clean, the ink was still legible. He sprayed it with a spritz of air freshener so it wouldn’t stink. After a typical breakfast of eggs, bacon and a bagel with cream cheese in the cafeteria, Allan was heading out to his science class, when Kathy approached. He felt his heart racing. She offered to walk with him to class, which he gladly accepted. If you’re going to feel any chemistry, the science department is a good place to start! They planned to meet up for dinner later in the cafeteria. The only place where the fish tastes like chicken and the chicken tastes like fish, yet no one avoided those meals. When you’re on a college budget of beer, you’ll eat anything the food plan offers! Especially those foods inadvertently laced with salmonella and E. coli. In fact, Pepto-Bismol nearly outsold condoms from the rec room vending machine.

Dinner time came and Katy was nowhere to be found. In the days before cell phones and texting, it wasn’t an easy process to contact someone. Oh, sure, you could always shout outside the window of a NYC apartment building if you needed someone from the building, but in return you’d get fifty “Fuck you’s!” shouted back from the neighboring apartment building. Allan was feeling dejected, worried his condoms in his wallet was going turn to dust when Kathy appeared. Allan’s heart was racing, he was smiling ear to ear. She apologized for being tardy due to finishing an essay for english class. Allan understood, partially. Being a film student meant he didn’t have much, if any homework which afforded a lot of time to party. Some kids were too busy with their studies to party until the weekend. Allan and his friends were at it 7 days a week, going out to Ray’s Pizza after midnight, as well as drinking at different bars on and off of Bleecker Street. Allan suggested they see an old classic movie at Bleekcer Street Cinema. He grabbed the latest issue of the Village Voice and looked up their schedule. They were showing “Blazing Saddles” that evening. He was praying she’d agree. Allan is very gassy and he figured he could get away with cutting one during the farting scene. She said yes! After a wonderful night laughing, sharing popcorn and farting, they headed back to the dorm holding hands. He kissed her goodnight outside her room. Drunken friends of Allan’s coming down the hall took note, cheering them both on. Allan and Kathy both gave his friends the middle finger while locked in a deep passionate kiss. Kathy opened one eye, noticing his middle finger still up in the air. She kissed, then sucked his finger slowly, then saying goodnight.

They continued to date and to Allan’s surprise the relationship deepened. They found they had more in common that they both assumed. They even had sex—often throwing out their roommates to have privacy. They were inseparable. Allan was falling in love. This wasn’t just a college girlfriend. He was really smitten by her. He even broke down and tried liverwurst to please her.

Allan lived approximately within a 45 minute commute from New York City and planned to bring her home to meet his parents. She was from Chicago so there was no chance during for her to meet them. Allan prayers his parents wouldn’t get into an argument with her over NY style pizza vs. Chicago deep-dish pizza. To prepare her for meeting his parents, Allan started coaching her on the use of key Yiddish words and expressions so she would come across as more urban and hip to them. It wasn’t easy. Every time he spewed out something in Yiddish, she’d laugh. Whenever she pronounced a Yiddish word (many are guttural), he was instantly showered with spittle in her attempts to say them correctly. He was as wet as Gene Kelly in “Singin’ in the Rain.” Kathy was a trooper though. She tried and tried until one day she said, “Yiddish is giving me a sore throat!” Allan replied, “It’s also giving me a shower!” Maybe that’s why orthodox men sprout long beards—so they have something at the ready to wipe their face? Yeah, that’s a stretch, but plausible!

Once he had her primed and ready, they made plans to spend the weekend at his house to be introduced to his parents. Surprisingly to Allan, the were excited to meet her. Too excited. Like a dog coming home from a kennel. They went overboard after Allan mentioned she knew a few Yiddish words and phrases. They were full of nachas. Even Kathy knew that meant they were happy and proud. Allan was proud of her for being proud of them. There was a lot of nachas going around. It was wild! When they arrived at the house, his mother, Miriam overwhelmed them with Jewishness, using Yiddish words he didn’t even recognize. Mom had a dairy spread awaiting them: bagels, lox, whitefish chubs, sable, pickled herring, chopped liver (which will never touch Allan’s lips), matzo ball soup, baba ghanoush, Israeli salad, gefilte fish, latkes, kugel. You’d think they were sitting shiva. The entire weekend felt like a conversion attempt. Allan was embarrassed. He was in love with her, but just dating. They weren’t planning to get married. That night, Kathy asked Allen if his parents were always this overwhelming. He told her they weren’t usually like this. He came to realize, his parents liked her a lot.

The rest of the weekend was about the same. Allan’s dad offered to take her to shabbat services at the Temple on Saturday morning. Which was ironic as his dad hasn’t been in temple since Allan’s bar-mitzvah. Allan nixed that idea. He felt the need to tone down his parents’ over bearing Jewish indoctrination. When they returned to NYU, Allan suggested they go out for something that would please her: pizza and milk. You know what? She puked!

In the end, the relationship petered out after she met a guy named Peter. Allan and Kathy remained good friends but eventually lost contact after college.

Every once in a while he thinks of her.

Especially when it rains.

THE END

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