The Secret World of Upside Down Pineapples

The Hidden Meaning

Pineapple has always been one of my favorite fruits, except on pizza (and I'm not Italian!). The pineapple has always been a symbol of hospitality, friendship and generosity. It even makes a pina colada look cool! It's fun to eat as well as refreshing, though less fun to cut up, so I buy mine pre-cut from the supermarket. Yeah, I pay extra, but that's because my wrist isn't too strong after viewing porn.

But, did you know that an upside down pineapple has a different meaning? Recently, I saw two stickers such as this on two separate cars as I drove over the border from New York to the Mahwah/Ramsey, N.J. area. Immediately, I assumed New Jersey has more drivers with dyslexia than New York. You've heard of “grammar Nazis,” right? Well, I'm a “sticker Nazi” and was immediately tempted to chase both cars down so I could alert them their stickers were placed upside down. At the same time, I realized they'd assume I was after them in a fit of road rage and I'd be shot in the face. Not good, since I had fresh pineapple in the car, which if blood splattered onto it, the wife would not eat nor could she return to get her money back. Ironically, the next day I was having a conversation with a coworker who was stunned I didn't know its meaning. She informed it means the couple (which owns the car) are either swingers or swappers. My jaw dropped while my penis rose. Holy crap! They're putting ads out!

My wife and I aren't swingers, nor have we swapped, but now my mind was racing with impure thoughts. I know she'd never consider this type of sexual activity especially since she's germaphobic. She also had no idea what an upside down pineapple meant either, until I informed her.

"Why fuck a fruit?" was her response.

"Wha?"

"Why fuck a fruit?"

"No one's fucking a fruit! They are signaling their promiscuity as married couples using an upside down pineapple and are looking for fun with other couples.”

"That's fruity!"

"Well, yeah, I guess it is."

"Does this excite you?"

"It gets me hungry. Now I want pineapple."

"What if I buy it and turn it upside down?

"Then you can fuck it."

At this point all I could conjure up was the following words George Burns said to his wife Gracie Allen: "Goodnight Gracie," as I left for the supermarket. I struck out. But I’ll have other at bats.

As I was driving to supermarket (which is over the border in Jersey) I spotted another car with an upside down pineapple! This car (which was ahead of me) happened to be going right to the supermarket too. Woo-hoo! I was pleasantly surprised to see a hot looking blonde MILF get out of the car. She walked quickly into the store. I followed (her) behind with my shopping list in hand. Where did she go first? Yup! Right to the pineapples! My heart began to race. I was praying she wasn't married and was a single swinger perhaps. Casually, I approached her and picked up a pineapple making sure to look it over upside down. I looked at her. Crickets. No sound uttered from her mouth. She moved over to the bananas. Maybe there’s a special code they use and if she sees I don’t understand it, she won’t break the ice with me? In clear view, I broke off the biggest banana I could find and said quietly, "Do you like these peeled or unpeeled?"

"Unpeeled."

My heart raced. I connected with her.

"I like to share," I said.

"Do you like yours peeled or unpeeled?"

I froze. "Huh?"

Nervously, I looked around to make sure no one overheard us.

"Are you asking me about mine?"

I gulped hard and loud.

"Same as your question—what do you prefer?"

"Why would I prefer? I'm the one with the banana."

She broke a banana off, raised it up with one hand and said, "So am I!"

Crap! I didn't know how to get out of this. It was all wrong. She was a man underneath. What did I get into?

All I could think of was the Kinks song "Lola."

I faked a smile and said, "I think I'll wander over to the seafood department. I prefer clams,” as I attempted to nonchalantly walk away as if nothing occurred.

When I returned home and unpacked the groceries, my wife asked me if I got everything on the shopping list. I told her, "Everything but bananas."

THE END

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