Your Mother Wears Army Boots

And Other Fine Insults

"If you don't have something nice to say, then don't say anything at all." Sage advice for many, but not me. Fuck off is my first reply. Eat me is my second.

I was brought up in the days of insult comics e.g., Joan Rivers/Don Rickles, both of whom literally cracked me up each time they appeared on TV firing zingers aimed at politicians, celebrities, fat people, skinny people, people's ethnicity, drugs—you name it. These topics and more will always be fair game to me. They were just doing an act and lived their lives 180 degrees the opposite. Hey! Zingers aimed at me are fair too because I can laugh at myself. I'm often self-deprecating. Sometimes also self-defecating causing me to change my tighty whities more than once. Yet, I don't believe everything is funny. I have a red line I won't cross: cancer jokes and Alzheimer's jokes. You can make them. I won't. Being dealt these cards in life is not your fault. Both are slow deaths. I wouldn't wish these devastating diseases on anyone. Well, except for those leaders in the current administration. Did I say that?

Having the courage to stand up and say something others won't, even though they're thinking it, is what makes someone like Howard Stern popular. Was he really shocking people? Nah! He is telling the truth so you don’t have to. Which explains his always high ratings for his shows. For the majority, it’s safer someone else is the conduit saying it for you. So just sit back and let someone else take the blame, you wimps!

Personally, I enjoy saying it like it is especially as I’ve gotten older. No vagueness or beating around the bush, unless she’s naked and unshaven. But that's another story. My wife says I'm going to get myself into trouble one day. That's OK! Standing up and showing you have a spine is better than showing you're an ass, like Mitch McConnell.

Talking about ass—which in comedy, leads right into farts and fart jokes, (which are always hysterical!) Farts are probably the only universal joke that can make anyone across the planet guffaw. You can tell a fart joke in New York, Beijing, or for a newly discovered indigenous tribe in the Amazon, and they will all laugh until they cry. Though the latter will then kill you. And you thought being heckled is bad! I bet if ET showed up at my door and I did the pull my finger fart gag on him, he’d be ROTSSFLMAO (that’s rolling on the spaceship floor laughing my ass off). Have you ever wondered why aliens are known to give humans anal probes? It’s their way of deconstructing this joke.

Recently, I was at the deli counter at my supermarket and the lady serving me was making a big deal of taking the meat order first instead of the tuna salad I initially asked for. She was maybe 3 feet from the tuna yet at least 15 feet from the turkey breast (which I also needed) on the opposite end of the counter. This mishegas pissed me off, so I immediately began shouting vicious and vile insults her way. In a fit of anger, she threw the tuna at me. Anyhow, the last laugh is on me: I got the tuna first.

The expression "your mother wears army boots" is one of the all-time best insults, yet rarely spoken anymore. I used to respond with: "Yeah, but I bet you don't know what size?... Gotcha!" to shut the asshole up. Unfortunately, insulting someone's mother nowadays doesn't have the same bite as it once had. Too bad. It's generational. Today, army boots are fashionable. Even "your mother wears strap-on's," which in theory sounds good as an insult, is usually met with, "Well, she is a lesbian!"

Insults from the 1970's such as being called a "honky" to "cunt" have also lost their bite. I know I laugh out loud whenever I hear them. And does anyone take flipping the bird seriously anymore? It's now just another digit containing phalanges. Giving the finger is so commonplace. Even the Biden insult, "Let’s Go Brandon" as well as the Trump insult, "Let’s Go Taco" are utterly lame. No one's shocked at Trump's Truth Social insults anymore: "It's just him. What do you expect—he’s an ass,” is commonly heard.

Any variant of “fuck” is still wholly acceptable as an insult. There's the simple all-purpose “fuck,” then there's: “Fuck you! Fuck off! I don’t give a fuck! Fuck face! Go fuck yourself! Fuckin’ asshole! You fuckers! Fuckety fuck! Fuck that! I"m fucked!” And the extra, really get under their skin “fuck” known as “motherfucker!” As you can tell, I could keep going with this for a fucking long time.

In my attempt to bridge generations with insults, I'm now utilizing the following variant: "Your mother wears fucking army boots, you honky cunt!”

Yeah, I’ll use that, you bastards!

THE END

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